Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
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