I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
