WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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