I heard we made out
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
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