Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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