Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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