question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
