is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
