I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
