you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
