last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
