The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
we're so committed to being not committed
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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