Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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