I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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