I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
