and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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