My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
