the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
