The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
