I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
