i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
