so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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