Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
