why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
