News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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