I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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