I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
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