ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
