What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
