I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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