Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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