the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
