You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
