I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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