I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
