Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
