I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
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That's how twitter works, right?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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