Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize