We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
