My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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