So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
