There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
