Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
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