after a month anything with tits is on the radar
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
