apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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