he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
