Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
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