if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
