I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
