remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
