i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
