everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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