The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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