after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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