I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
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