I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
