...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
