Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
